Sabi ng isang cooking show sa TV, masasabi mo ang gender ng isang crab sa pamamagitan ng hugis ng kanyang parang chest sa bandang ilalim ng kanyang katawan.
Lalake ito pag medyo matulis ang shape ng "chest". Ang mga lalakeng crabs ay puro laman at kulang sa taba.
Babae naman ito pag medyo oblong shaped and "chest". Ang mga babaeng crab ay sobra sa taba at kulang sa laman.
Pero eto ang matindi...
May baklang crab! Oo mga ka-assosasyon, kahit sa Crab-landia ay may kapanalig tayo doon. Bakla ang crab kung ang hugid ng chest ay in between, meaning hindi matulis pero hindi naman din bilugan/oblong, kumbaga in-between siya.
At eto ang sabi ng host in a classy accent na ikinawindang ko:
"Sa mga crabs, pinakamasarap at pinakamahal ang mga baklang crabs dahil ito ay tamang-tama sa laman at taba, kumbaga...wala ka nang hahanapin pa"
O ha... O ha... O ha.
Panalo talaga tayo mga kapanalig!
Wohoooooo!. Bwhahaha.
So sa bawat pag-akit sa mga kalalakihan, laging tandaan ang buhay ay weather-weather lang yan. Ching!
Nagulat ako! Hinanap ko kung saan nagmumula ang boses. Sa kapal ng tao dahil sa Barangay eleksyon, di ko makita kung sino ang tumatawag sa akin.
Balita ko nagbabakasyon siya pero di pa kami nagkita. Ano na kaya itsura niya? Payatin pa rin ba siya? Ito pa rin ba ang batang parati naming niloloko at pinaiiyak ng kabarkada kong kuya niya? Maitim pa rin ba siya sa kaliligo ng ilog sa tabi ng aming lugar? Marami pa kaya siyang tigyawat sa ka babasketbol kahit maalikabok?
"Bogs!"
Lalong papalapit ang boses. Kinabahan na ako. Di ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko? Alam ko na isang tanong lang ang pilit kong iniiwasan...
Naalala pa kaya niya ang isang nakaraan na hindi naman namin parehong naiintinihan?
"Pangga, please promise me that you will never look for another guy. Please do not text, call or even meet up with another guy. Please...I Love you and you know that you are the only one in my Life right now. It would kill me to know if you will hook up with somebody else. Can you promise me that I will be the only one in yours" - he asked and pleaded on the other line.
I closed my eyes, cleared my throat and took a deep breath...
I have been thinking, what if I look for another work right now. I know this plan would not sell well with most of the people I know (even my friend Clandestine) but hey, it should be interesting to try. I have been connected with my company for six (6) years now and within that period I can say that I have been blessed much. From the time I came in, it only took me three (3) years to be promoted from a mere supervisor to a Senior Manager. This is a feat considering the youngest Manager in my company before I was promoted was already fifty (50) years old and I am just about half that age. So you could just imagine how I look like in the middle of all these "grandaddies" during company meetings.
But behind the glory and honor is a "work-life" full of politics, deceit and some people just trying hard to prove that I was not worthy in the first place. More often than not, I do not see them as workmates (co-managers) but rather bullies, haters and jerks! I have met almost all imaginable and unimaginable trials in the workplace. I was patient at the start, thinking that this is part of the job. I just turn a deaf ear to every insult, I just laugh off any bullying and I just keep quiet to every piece of foul issues that they throw on me.
But everything has an end...even being a martyr. The last straw I guess was what happened two months ago when somebody twisted a very simple and honest mistake into a very malicious report that was forwarded to no less than the President of our company, and by the way, he is not Pinoy! which makes it worst. It bothers me that it just took a malicious report to shatter what could have been a promising career for me but it ANGERS me more that my name was ruined by something I did for the company in the first place. Who would have thought that a five thousand pesos (which i gave our government officials to renew our permit) in return for nineteen million (which we were able to save because of the renewal) would actually be the cost of my END.
Funny and Crazy, Right?
So I am on a Job Hunting, maybe not this time (cause I am still paying for my car) but soon. Meanwhile, I found this invitation on line...
Hmmmmmmm....Maybe I will apply for a part-time job. Wohoooooooooo!
I have to admit it, I really really hate... ...the way I look right now.
I think my face looks hideous from all the pimple marks that I got. This has really gotten into my nerves because four months ago, it was far from what it is now. I was really looking good (I think) but somehow during the last week of May, these pimples started showing on my face and since then it has not stopped. I suspect that it could be due to stress because it was also during this time that I had some serious problems with my work and partly due to the lack of sleep. This has really taken a toll on me. I am not a very judgmental guy when it comes to looks because I am not also good looking but it is just consuming the little confidence that I have left. I worry a lot that people might find it very disgusting. I am just afraid that they might judge me based on how I look right now.
I know...I know...I know. This sounds very superficial but then it is stressing me out to the point of making me feel so low about my self and my self-esteem. So yesterday, I already did something that I have been postponing. My sister and mother keeps on prodding me to go to a dermatologist for a check-up. As the say...
You have to FACE your problem, if the problem is your FACE!
Aaamin ko, masarap mang isipin na may naghahabol sa iyo pero nakakatakot din.
Ngayong linggo lang akongnakapagpasyang sumama sa isang trip papuntang Culasi dahil gusto ko muna ng kapayapaan. Ilang buwan ka na niya kasi akong sinusundan, binabantayan at inaakit. Gusto kong magpakalayo muna sa kanya kahit pansamantala lamang. Kahit saglit lang, gusto ko muna siyang kalimutan. Akala ko, sa pagbabakasyon kong ito ay mangyayari lahat ng inaasam ko, ngunit...
Mali.
Nung pagdating namin ay nagpasya agad kaming mag videoke at kumanta. Kinuha ko ang songbook at binuklat. Pagbukas ko...
Pangalan niya agad ang tumambad sa akin!
Nagsimula na akong kabahan.Bakit hindi nya ako tinantanan. Dali-dalin akong lumabas sa resthouse na tinutuluyan para maninigarilyo sana pero nung naghanap ako ng ashtray...halos lumuwa ang aking mga mata sa nakita ko...
Siya.
Tuluyan na akong kinabahan at natakot. Tumakbo ako papalayo sa lugar na inakala kong hindi ko na siya makikita pa. Sa sobrang pagod ko ay nauhaw at naghanap ng tubig. Tumigil ako nung papalapit na ako sa isang banga. Ngunit, laking gulat ko nang naghihintay na pala siya sa akin doon.
I did not feel anything. That is how I would perfectly describe how it feels to finally let go of a person...a lover... and a past. Several months ago, when my break-up with my first m2m relationship was still fresh, I would always feel different. Most of the time, I would be uneasy and always feel a sharp pain piercing through my heart every time we would have a conversation. Of course, there is this effort to hide it but instead of helping, it would make the feeling worse. It would magnify the hurt. I would always act that everything is normal but you know from deep within that you are mourning. Sometimes there are instances that you would want to throw yourself at that person and be tempted to ask him to take you back. You do all there is to show that you are not affected at all but no matter how much you would hide it, you just cannot lie to yourself that you are still in love with him.
Honestly, I really did not know when to start and pick up the pieces. I would often say to the people who knew what I was going through that I can make it, and that I am ok. This is just to cut the questions and cover up for the hell that I was experiencing. For sometime I would convince myself that all shall pass but I also know that I was not ready to let it pass. I was bitter and no matter how I try to tell that person, my friends and myself that I am already over "him", there is always the truth that I am NOT.
But then a new Love came...and even though I hate to admit it, the line that says "the best way to forget the past is to find a new one" is actually true. When I met this new guy, who would later on be my partner, things suddenly changed. The fear that was in my heart was gently eradicated and surprisingly I find myself opening up to people and sharing laughter with them. Every single day that I share together with that person becomes my therapy to slowly forget the pain and the person that caused it. Slowly, I have turned to making this new relationship work rather than hoping that the old relationship would come back. Hope was slowly budding in my heart together with the feeling of being happy. With the unfolding of a new Love, I found new meaning in Life .
When Sunshine (my ex) called today, I was surprised. The bad memories of the past were gone. The feeling of pain in my heart was gone. And my love for him was gone.
Mahirap mang tanggapin pero may mga tao o bagay talaga na sagabal sa ating piniling daan. Ito ay mga bagay-bagay na di mo magpipigilang gawin o tikman kahit nakapagpasya ka na sa buhay. Ika nga nila it is those things that "you hate to love".
Kani-kanina lang nanood ako ng opening number sa A.S.A.P at siya ang naabutan ko. . . .
Damn! Di ba, sabagal talaga sa pagiging BAKLA ko!
Shit. Makes me wanna go back to being STRAIGHT. Hahaha.
Kinapa ko ito. Hinding hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang sarili ko. Kahit may importanteng bagay akong gagawin, sige pa rin ako sa pagkapa.
Hinimas-himas. Damang dama ko ang sarap na dulot nito sa mga palad ko. Sinalat-salat. Hindi na ako nag aksya pa ng panahon. Minsanan lang ito at kailangan namnamin.
Binuksan. Napangiti ako. Ito ang gustong-gusto ko. Biglang hinila ng dahan-dahan.
At hinawakan ng mahigpit.
Parang ayaw ko nang pakawalan. . . . Yan ang ginawa ko sa Ukay-ukay kanina.
Last night, Pangga and I had one of our biggest fight. It started with him telling me that he went to the Starblogs Chatroom just to check out the room again. This angered me a lot considering that early in our relationship, we made it clear that no one should go back to that room. I know I am thankful for that chatroom because we practically met there but I also know that temptations are abundant and one single conversation/chat can ruin our relationship. When I confronted him about it, he gave me the lamest excuse that he just wanted to go there and just say "hi" and go out. So lame that even a prep pupil would know that it is really just an EXCUSE!!!
Because of my anger, I went all the way to prove my point. We went inside the room together to find out the possibilities that could happen. While in the room last night, he all saw how I can be a flirt...a chat slut! I really wanted him to see what I can possibly do if we do not have any limitations when it comes to chatting. I won. And he learned the lesson...the hard way!
I may have won but I was still hurt. He was always saying that he did not have any intentions of flirting and finding another guy but that was not the point, bottomline, he broke a promise...a very important promise for me. There are not so many promises that I do or asked for, but when a person promises something to me, I have this attitude of binding myself and the person to it. I am one person that keeps my promises so I really expect people also to give me the same treatment. In our relationship, I have kept my promises and tried my best to be the best partner I can be, given the distance and our situation. The trust that I gave has been damaged, it could still be intact but it is severely cracked.
Pangga never understood. He said that he has enough love for me for any temptation. He said that he does not have any resources like internet access and money to be online most of the time. He said that he is not good in meeting people at the chatroom much more connecting with them.
He never understood, that if we allow ourselves to chat,
I am not afraid of what he can do. it's in what I can do!
Something just doesn't feel right and that's what is bugging me right now. I have reviewed my blog and it seems that this is just half the person that I am. This is not entirely me which is very ironic because the main reason that I made this is because I want to express, I want to feel free, I want to be ME. Could it be the career-changing experience that I had a month ago that nearly lost me my job and my confidence? Could it be the failure of the first relationship that I had with a guy that left me devastated? Or could it be the stress that I feel from my work and family.
Whatever the reason, I know pretty well that I am just hiding. I am forcing myself to believe that everything is back to normal when it is NOT. This blog is a defining moment for me because when I opened the doors of my so called Secret Garden, it was also the time that I have truly accepted that I am really special... I am really gay!
I hope with this Acceptance comes not a "forced" transformation from a spider to a butterfly but rather a deeper knowledge of what is in a spider that makes it equally beautiful with a butterfly. I don't want to be a man who acts gay just because I have accepted that I am but rather a gay that acts like a MAN because that's who I am, and believe me, we do exist. It doesn't make me less of a GAY if I act like a MAN.
"I have loved you and you know that. I know that we had some of the best times together. With you, I have learned some of the greatest lessons in Life. In you I have found the reason to laugh, to play and be happy. But, hard as it is for me, I have to let go of you and please just let go of me too. Do not make things hard for us because this would pain me. This addiction must cease. This has to end. I am so sorry for giving up on you but you will soon understand that it is what is best for you...for me...for us. Thank you and please be there when I am ready again to face you."
Yan ang sinabi ko sa karupukan ko.
Tang ina! Si pangga naman kasi eh, pinagbawal ang pakikipaglandian! Bwahahaha.
Cute pero may tinatagong kapilyuhan. Sa unang tingin ay parang napakaamong tupa na kahit lamok ay hindi kakayaning patayin. Normal lang ang pangangatawan at walang kahit na isang hibla ng kamachohan ngunit taglay niya ang nag uumapaw na isang lalakeng-lalakeng kakisigan...dahil sa angkin na kagaguhan!
Siya si Bad Boy.
Una kaming nagkakilala sa birthday party ng aking tiyahin dahil magkapitbahay sila. Walang pansinan kasi di naman kami magkakilala pero sa simula pa man ay nagnanakaw na ako ng tingin. Sa unang tingin ko pa lang sa kanya, nagmarka na ang pagiging inosente at maamo ng mukha. Hindi siya pala kibo at nasa isang sulok lang pero alam mong nagmamasid lang at nakikiramdam.
Sa bawat mga nakaw na tingin ko sa kanya ay nadadagdagan ang nais ko na siya ay makilala. Sa bawat pagtanaw ko sa inosente nyang mukha ay lalong sumasabog ang puso ko sa kagustuhan na siya man lang ay makausap. Sa bawat pag krus ng aming mga titig ay siya namang pagsusumamo ng aking puso na siya man lang ay maging kaibigan (at matikman. bwahaha)
Binuo ko sa sarili ko ang aking plano. Dapat...at nararapat na sa gabing din iyon magkakilala kami! Tumayo ako sa kinatatayuan ko at pumunta sa bandang pintuan dahil alam ko na lahat ng tao ay doon talaga dadaan (pag desperado este in love nga naman. char). Naghintay ako at sa isip ko memoryado ko na ang mga linyang bibitiwan ko...mga linyang magbubukas ng mga panibagong kulay sa buhay ko. Ilang sandali pa, tumayo din siya at sinauli ang pinggang pinagkainan. Pumanhik at nagtungo papunta sa akin este pintuan pala. Nung saktong papalabas na siya, pinakilala kami ng pinsan kong kabarkada niya.
“Kuya si Bad Boy pala, yung nasa kabilang bahay”. Inabot ko ang kamay ko at nakipag shake hands. Tinanggap niya ito pero wla pa rin siyang kibo. Ngiti lang ang sinagot niya.
Tumango ako at tinanguan din naman niya ako.
Ako: Pre, alis ka na? Inuman muna tayo?
Nagulat siya sa paanyaya ko.
Bad Boy: Hmmm. Sige pero huwag lang dito kasi nahihiya ako
Ako: O sige doon tayo sa likod ng bahay. Tayong tatlo lang ng pinsan ko.
Pinabili ko ang pinsan ko ng Tequilla at Vodka habang kaming dalawa ay naghintay sa likod. Hindi siya pala kibo pero nakikipag usap naman pag tinatanong. Mas nakikilala ko na siya unti-unti at ako naman ay hindi nabigo kasi mas lalo akong naadik sa maamo niyang mukha at sa mabango niyang lalakeng-lalakeng body spray (Uy wag nyo akong tingnan ng ganyan, ayaw ko siyang rape-in. Nyahaha).
Alas 9 ng Gabi - Unang Bote ng Tequilla
Nagkakahiyaan pa kami. Normal na kwentuhan ang mga detalye sa bawat buhay. Siya pala ay graduate at registered nurse na. Hindi masyadong dere-deretso ang usapan naming, buti nalang at ang pinsan ko ay ang parang nagiging tulay sa amin kasi nagkakahiyaan pa. Pero dahil madalas din ang pinsan kong umaalis medyo may mga panahon na wala kaming napapag-usapan. Aaminin ko na isa talaga akong conversationalist pero ewan ko ba pag may gusto ako sa isang tao at kaharap ko ito ay nagiging tameme ako (demure effect). Kadalasan ay may mga ilang segundong tahimik lang kami pero nung patapos na ang isang bote ay medyo nag pipick-up na ang aming kwentuhan.
Alas 10:30 ng Gabi - Ikalawang Bote ng Tequilla
Medyo nakukuha na naming ang loob ng isa’t-isa. Ang akala koy mahiyain ay medyo may tinatago palang kakulitan. Naririnig ko na siyang tumatawa at natatanong. Give and take na kumbaga an gaming usapan. Interesting naman pala at may tinatagong katalinuhan ang loko. Nakasakay na sa mga birada kong panloloko. Madaldal siya lalo nung nalaman niya kung saan ako nagtratrabaho. Medyo nag open up na din siya. Nagkakatuwaan sa mga kwentong kahalayan at kalibugan. Puro mga babae ang paksa at ang pagiging playboy ng isat-isa ang laging napagtritripan. (O, ibagsak na ang mga kilay sis. Tumitikim din naman ako ng pekpekmons, masarap kaya yun. Exotic. haha)
Alas 12:00 ng Gabi - Vodka
Magulo na kami. Naghahampasan na ng mag palad habang nagpapataasan ng ihi sa mga kwento. Tuksuhan na at walang sawang tawanan. Hagikgikan at sabay pabirong nagsusuntukan. Para kming mga batang mag bestfriends. Kasabay ng pagiging palagayan ng loob sa isat-isa ay siya namang pagkahulog na ng tuluyan ng loob ko sa kanya. Sobra na kaming nagkokonekt sa isa’t isa at kahit tinginan na lang ay alam na naming ang ibig sabihin. Dito na rin lumabas ang totoong bad boy na nagtatago sa likod ng maamong mukha. Bumunot siya ng isang stick at naninigarilyo. Panay na rin ang bato ng mga double meaning na jokes at nagmumura pa. Nailahad na din ang mga kapilyuhang ginawa at planong gagawin pa. Malayong-malayo ang naging personalidad niya sa mala anghel na lalake nung una ko siyang nakita. Lalong lumakas ang dating niya...lalo akong napaibig sa kanya ngunit sa puntong ito ay may kasamang kalibugan na.
Ala 1:30 ng Umaga - Red Horse
Ubos na ang pinabili kong inumin ngunit parang hindi pa kami sawa sa pagkukwento at pang-aasar sa isa’t isa. Gusto lang naming ang makapiling ang isa’t isa sa buong magdamag na para bang wala nang bukas. Kaming dalawa nalang ang naiwan kasi tinulugan na kami ng pinsan ko. Nag-aya siya na bumili kami ng Red Horse para pang washing. Isang bote ang aming binili para pampatulog lang. Sa puntong ito ay medyo lasing na kaming dalawa. Napagpasyahan naming hindi na kami bumalik pa sa bahay ng aking Tita at pumwesto nalang sa madilim na plaza para doon ipagpatuloy ang inuman...ang kulitan...at ang harutan. Dito na ako nagsimulang baybayin ang maliit na linyang naghahati sa pagiging palakaibigan at pagiging mapaglaro. Inudyukan na ako ng ispiritu ng alak para tahakin ang daan ng panunukso...
Habang magkatabi kaming umupo sa damuhan.
Ako: Pare, kung nagging babae ako, papatulan na talaga kita. Haha
Bad Boy: Loko! Bakit pa kailangang maging babae ka. Patulan na natin isa’t isa. Gwapo ako at gwapo ka din. Inggitin natin mga babae tol. Haha
Ako: Tama! Di ba pre, hindi naman bakla ang paghahalik sa kapwa lalake?. Nyahaha. Tang ina na ‘to
Bad Boy: Oo naman! Trip lang ang tawag dun.Pre, pa kiss. Hahahahaha.
Ako: Haha. Ulol ka talaga!
Tumawa kami at nagtulakan. Sabay kaming napahiga. Napatingin sa kalangitan.
Inakbayan niya ako.
Habang nakaakbay siya sabay kaming napatingin sa isa’t-isa.
Natahimik. Nakikiramam.
Sa gitna ng dilim, nagkatitigan kami. Damang dama ko ang kaba naming dalawa.
Hinawakan niya mukha ko at napahawak naman ako sa balikat niya.
Sa kalagitnaan ng Gabi...isang bawal ang nangyari.
Even though I like men, I still indulge myslef with women from time to time. Let's just say that I am a "tomboy" in our gay world. bwhahaha. However, I am more picky with women than with men.
Whoever coined the popular saying "Don't judge the book by its cover" is a bookworm----I mean genius.
This is how I would describe in one phrase one incident that happened a few months ago.
My friends and I decided to check out the party at One Mango Square, a very popular party place in Cebu. We have already been drinking a few hours before so we decided to eat first before continuing our drinking session.
Along the way...I saw an Angel.
Her face is a refreshing sight...its as if you could almost feel the need to touch it with your hands and stare at it for milleniums.
He hair is as black as the night...straight and shiny as the sea under a moonlight.
Her smile melts every cold-stoned heart there is...one which makes you sigh and wish she was yours...
She was a beauty to marvel...to behold...to dream.
