Aaamin ko, masarap mang isipin na may naghahabol sa iyo pero nakakatakot din.
Ngayong linggo lang akongnakapagpasyang sumama sa isang trip papuntang Culasi dahil gusto ko muna ng kapayapaan. Ilang buwan ka na niya kasi akong sinusundan, binabantayan at inaakit. Gusto kong magpakalayo muna sa kanya kahit pansamantala lamang. Kahit saglit lang, gusto ko muna siyang kalimutan. Akala ko, sa pagbabakasyon kong ito ay mangyayari lahat ng inaasam ko, ngunit...
Mali.
Nung pagdating namin ay nagpasya agad kaming mag videoke at kumanta. Kinuha ko ang songbook at binuklat. Pagbukas ko...
Pangalan niya agad ang tumambad sa akin!
Nagsimula na akong kabahan.Bakit hindi nya ako tinantanan. Dali-dalin akong lumabas sa resthouse na tinutuluyan para maninigarilyo sana pero nung naghanap ako ng ashtray...halos lumuwa ang aking mga mata sa nakita ko...
Siya.
Tuluyan na akong kinabahan at natakot. Tumakbo ako papalayo sa lugar na inakala kong hindi ko na siya makikita pa. Sa sobrang pagod ko ay nauhaw at naghanap ng tubig. Tumigil ako nung papalapit na ako sa isang banga. Ngunit, laking gulat ko nang naghihintay na pala siya sa akin doon.
I did not feel anything. That is how I would perfectly describe how it feels to finally let go of a person...a lover... and a past. Several months ago, when my break-up with my first m2m relationship was still fresh, I would always feel different. Most of the time, I would be uneasy and always feel a sharp pain piercing through my heart every time we would have a conversation. Of course, there is this effort to hide it but instead of helping, it would make the feeling worse. It would magnify the hurt. I would always act that everything is normal but you know from deep within that you are mourning. Sometimes there are instances that you would want to throw yourself at that person and be tempted to ask him to take you back. You do all there is to show that you are not affected at all but no matter how much you would hide it, you just cannot lie to yourself that you are still in love with him.
Honestly, I really did not know when to start and pick up the pieces. I would often say to the people who knew what I was going through that I can make it, and that I am ok. This is just to cut the questions and cover up for the hell that I was experiencing. For sometime I would convince myself that all shall pass but I also know that I was not ready to let it pass. I was bitter and no matter how I try to tell that person, my friends and myself that I am already over "him", there is always the truth that I am NOT.
But then a new Love came...and even though I hate to admit it, the line that says "the best way to forget the past is to find a new one" is actually true. When I met this new guy, who would later on be my partner, things suddenly changed. The fear that was in my heart was gently eradicated and surprisingly I find myself opening up to people and sharing laughter with them. Every single day that I share together with that person becomes my therapy to slowly forget the pain and the person that caused it. Slowly, I have turned to making this new relationship work rather than hoping that the old relationship would come back. Hope was slowly budding in my heart together with the feeling of being happy. With the unfolding of a new Love, I found new meaning in Life .
When Sunshine (my ex) called today, I was surprised. The bad memories of the past were gone. The feeling of pain in my heart was gone. And my love for him was gone.
Mahirap mang tanggapin pero may mga tao o bagay talaga na sagabal sa ating piniling daan. Ito ay mga bagay-bagay na di mo magpipigilang gawin o tikman kahit nakapagpasya ka na sa buhay. Ika nga nila it is those things that "you hate to love".
Kani-kanina lang nanood ako ng opening number sa A.S.A.P at siya ang naabutan ko. . . .
Damn! Di ba, sabagal talaga sa pagiging BAKLA ko!
Shit. Makes me wanna go back to being STRAIGHT. Hahaha.
Kinapa ko ito. Hinding hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang sarili ko. Kahit may importanteng bagay akong gagawin, sige pa rin ako sa pagkapa.
Hinimas-himas. Damang dama ko ang sarap na dulot nito sa mga palad ko. Sinalat-salat. Hindi na ako nag aksya pa ng panahon. Minsanan lang ito at kailangan namnamin.
Binuksan. Napangiti ako. Ito ang gustong-gusto ko. Biglang hinila ng dahan-dahan.
At hinawakan ng mahigpit.
Parang ayaw ko nang pakawalan. . . . Yan ang ginawa ko sa Ukay-ukay kanina.
Last night, Pangga and I had one of our biggest fight. It started with him telling me that he went to the Starblogs Chatroom just to check out the room again. This angered me a lot considering that early in our relationship, we made it clear that no one should go back to that room. I know I am thankful for that chatroom because we practically met there but I also know that temptations are abundant and one single conversation/chat can ruin our relationship. When I confronted him about it, he gave me the lamest excuse that he just wanted to go there and just say "hi" and go out. So lame that even a prep pupil would know that it is really just an EXCUSE!!!
Because of my anger, I went all the way to prove my point. We went inside the room together to find out the possibilities that could happen. While in the room last night, he all saw how I can be a flirt...a chat slut! I really wanted him to see what I can possibly do if we do not have any limitations when it comes to chatting. I won. And he learned the lesson...the hard way!
I may have won but I was still hurt. He was always saying that he did not have any intentions of flirting and finding another guy but that was not the point, bottomline, he broke a promise...a very important promise for me. There are not so many promises that I do or asked for, but when a person promises something to me, I have this attitude of binding myself and the person to it. I am one person that keeps my promises so I really expect people also to give me the same treatment. In our relationship, I have kept my promises and tried my best to be the best partner I can be, given the distance and our situation. The trust that I gave has been damaged, it could still be intact but it is severely cracked.
Pangga never understood. He said that he has enough love for me for any temptation. He said that he does not have any resources like internet access and money to be online most of the time. He said that he is not good in meeting people at the chatroom much more connecting with them.
He never understood, that if we allow ourselves to chat,
I am not afraid of what he can do. it's in what I can do!
Something just doesn't feel right and that's what is bugging me right now. I have reviewed my blog and it seems that this is just half the person that I am. This is not entirely me which is very ironic because the main reason that I made this is because I want to express, I want to feel free, I want to be ME. Could it be the career-changing experience that I had a month ago that nearly lost me my job and my confidence? Could it be the failure of the first relationship that I had with a guy that left me devastated? Or could it be the stress that I feel from my work and family.
Whatever the reason, I know pretty well that I am just hiding. I am forcing myself to believe that everything is back to normal when it is NOT. This blog is a defining moment for me because when I opened the doors of my so called Secret Garden, it was also the time that I have truly accepted that I am really special... I am really gay!
I hope with this Acceptance comes not a "forced" transformation from a spider to a butterfly but rather a deeper knowledge of what is in a spider that makes it equally beautiful with a butterfly. I don't want to be a man who acts gay just because I have accepted that I am but rather a gay that acts like a MAN because that's who I am, and believe me, we do exist. It doesn't make me less of a GAY if I act like a MAN.
"I have loved you and you know that. I know that we had some of the best times together. With you, I have learned some of the greatest lessons in Life. In you I have found the reason to laugh, to play and be happy. But, hard as it is for me, I have to let go of you and please just let go of me too. Do not make things hard for us because this would pain me. This addiction must cease. This has to end. I am so sorry for giving up on you but you will soon understand that it is what is best for you...for me...for us. Thank you and please be there when I am ready again to face you."
Yan ang sinabi ko sa karupukan ko.
Tang ina! Si pangga naman kasi eh, pinagbawal ang pakikipaglandian! Bwahahaha.
Cute pero may tinatagong kapilyuhan. Sa unang tingin ay parang napakaamong tupa na kahit lamok ay hindi kakayaning patayin. Normal lang ang pangangatawan at walang kahit na isang hibla ng kamachohan ngunit taglay niya ang nag uumapaw na isang lalakeng-lalakeng kakisigan...dahil sa angkin na kagaguhan!
Siya si Bad Boy.
Una kaming nagkakilala sa birthday party ng aking tiyahin dahil magkapitbahay sila. Walang pansinan kasi di naman kami magkakilala pero sa simula pa man ay nagnanakaw na ako ng tingin. Sa unang tingin ko pa lang sa kanya, nagmarka na ang pagiging inosente at maamo ng mukha. Hindi siya pala kibo at nasa isang sulok lang pero alam mong nagmamasid lang at nakikiramdam.
Sa bawat mga nakaw na tingin ko sa kanya ay nadadagdagan ang nais ko na siya ay makilala. Sa bawat pagtanaw ko sa inosente nyang mukha ay lalong sumasabog ang puso ko sa kagustuhan na siya man lang ay makausap. Sa bawat pag krus ng aming mga titig ay siya namang pagsusumamo ng aking puso na siya man lang ay maging kaibigan (at matikman. bwahaha)
Binuo ko sa sarili ko ang aking plano. Dapat...at nararapat na sa gabing din iyon magkakilala kami! Tumayo ako sa kinatatayuan ko at pumunta sa bandang pintuan dahil alam ko na lahat ng tao ay doon talaga dadaan (pag desperado este in love nga naman. char). Naghintay ako at sa isip ko memoryado ko na ang mga linyang bibitiwan ko...mga linyang magbubukas ng mga panibagong kulay sa buhay ko. Ilang sandali pa, tumayo din siya at sinauli ang pinggang pinagkainan. Pumanhik at nagtungo papunta sa akin este pintuan pala. Nung saktong papalabas na siya, pinakilala kami ng pinsan kong kabarkada niya.
“Kuya si Bad Boy pala, yung nasa kabilang bahay”. Inabot ko ang kamay ko at nakipag shake hands. Tinanggap niya ito pero wla pa rin siyang kibo. Ngiti lang ang sinagot niya.
Tumango ako at tinanguan din naman niya ako.
Ako: Pre, alis ka na? Inuman muna tayo?
Nagulat siya sa paanyaya ko.
Bad Boy: Hmmm. Sige pero huwag lang dito kasi nahihiya ako
Ako: O sige doon tayo sa likod ng bahay. Tayong tatlo lang ng pinsan ko.
Pinabili ko ang pinsan ko ng Tequilla at Vodka habang kaming dalawa ay naghintay sa likod. Hindi siya pala kibo pero nakikipag usap naman pag tinatanong. Mas nakikilala ko na siya unti-unti at ako naman ay hindi nabigo kasi mas lalo akong naadik sa maamo niyang mukha at sa mabango niyang lalakeng-lalakeng body spray (Uy wag nyo akong tingnan ng ganyan, ayaw ko siyang rape-in. Nyahaha).
Alas 9 ng Gabi - Unang Bote ng Tequilla
Nagkakahiyaan pa kami. Normal na kwentuhan ang mga detalye sa bawat buhay. Siya pala ay graduate at registered nurse na. Hindi masyadong dere-deretso ang usapan naming, buti nalang at ang pinsan ko ay ang parang nagiging tulay sa amin kasi nagkakahiyaan pa. Pero dahil madalas din ang pinsan kong umaalis medyo may mga panahon na wala kaming napapag-usapan. Aaminin ko na isa talaga akong conversationalist pero ewan ko ba pag may gusto ako sa isang tao at kaharap ko ito ay nagiging tameme ako (demure effect). Kadalasan ay may mga ilang segundong tahimik lang kami pero nung patapos na ang isang bote ay medyo nag pipick-up na ang aming kwentuhan.
Alas 10:30 ng Gabi - Ikalawang Bote ng Tequilla
Medyo nakukuha na naming ang loob ng isa’t-isa. Ang akala koy mahiyain ay medyo may tinatago palang kakulitan. Naririnig ko na siyang tumatawa at natatanong. Give and take na kumbaga an gaming usapan. Interesting naman pala at may tinatagong katalinuhan ang loko. Nakasakay na sa mga birada kong panloloko. Madaldal siya lalo nung nalaman niya kung saan ako nagtratrabaho. Medyo nag open up na din siya. Nagkakatuwaan sa mga kwentong kahalayan at kalibugan. Puro mga babae ang paksa at ang pagiging playboy ng isat-isa ang laging napagtritripan. (O, ibagsak na ang mga kilay sis. Tumitikim din naman ako ng pekpekmons, masarap kaya yun. Exotic. haha)
Alas 12:00 ng Gabi - Vodka
Magulo na kami. Naghahampasan na ng mag palad habang nagpapataasan ng ihi sa mga kwento. Tuksuhan na at walang sawang tawanan. Hagikgikan at sabay pabirong nagsusuntukan. Para kming mga batang mag bestfriends. Kasabay ng pagiging palagayan ng loob sa isat-isa ay siya namang pagkahulog na ng tuluyan ng loob ko sa kanya. Sobra na kaming nagkokonekt sa isa’t isa at kahit tinginan na lang ay alam na naming ang ibig sabihin. Dito na rin lumabas ang totoong bad boy na nagtatago sa likod ng maamong mukha. Bumunot siya ng isang stick at naninigarilyo. Panay na rin ang bato ng mga double meaning na jokes at nagmumura pa. Nailahad na din ang mga kapilyuhang ginawa at planong gagawin pa. Malayong-malayo ang naging personalidad niya sa mala anghel na lalake nung una ko siyang nakita. Lalong lumakas ang dating niya...lalo akong napaibig sa kanya ngunit sa puntong ito ay may kasamang kalibugan na.
Ala 1:30 ng Umaga - Red Horse
Ubos na ang pinabili kong inumin ngunit parang hindi pa kami sawa sa pagkukwento at pang-aasar sa isa’t isa. Gusto lang naming ang makapiling ang isa’t isa sa buong magdamag na para bang wala nang bukas. Kaming dalawa nalang ang naiwan kasi tinulugan na kami ng pinsan ko. Nag-aya siya na bumili kami ng Red Horse para pang washing. Isang bote ang aming binili para pampatulog lang. Sa puntong ito ay medyo lasing na kaming dalawa. Napagpasyahan naming hindi na kami bumalik pa sa bahay ng aking Tita at pumwesto nalang sa madilim na plaza para doon ipagpatuloy ang inuman...ang kulitan...at ang harutan. Dito na ako nagsimulang baybayin ang maliit na linyang naghahati sa pagiging palakaibigan at pagiging mapaglaro. Inudyukan na ako ng ispiritu ng alak para tahakin ang daan ng panunukso...
Habang magkatabi kaming umupo sa damuhan.
Ako: Pare, kung nagging babae ako, papatulan na talaga kita. Haha
Bad Boy: Loko! Bakit pa kailangang maging babae ka. Patulan na natin isa’t isa. Gwapo ako at gwapo ka din. Inggitin natin mga babae tol. Haha
Ako: Tama! Di ba pre, hindi naman bakla ang paghahalik sa kapwa lalake?. Nyahaha. Tang ina na ‘to
Bad Boy: Oo naman! Trip lang ang tawag dun.Pre, pa kiss. Hahahahaha.
Ako: Haha. Ulol ka talaga!
Tumawa kami at nagtulakan. Sabay kaming napahiga. Napatingin sa kalangitan.
Inakbayan niya ako.
Habang nakaakbay siya sabay kaming napatingin sa isa’t-isa.
Natahimik. Nakikiramam.
Sa gitna ng dilim, nagkatitigan kami. Damang dama ko ang kaba naming dalawa.
Hinawakan niya mukha ko at napahawak naman ako sa balikat niya.
Sa kalagitnaan ng Gabi...isang bawal ang nangyari.
Even though I like men, I still indulge myslef with women from time to time. Let's just say that I am a "tomboy" in our gay world. bwhahaha. However, I am more picky with women than with men.
Whoever coined the popular saying "Don't judge the book by its cover" is a bookworm----I mean genius.
This is how I would describe in one phrase one incident that happened a few months ago.
My friends and I decided to check out the party at One Mango Square, a very popular party place in Cebu. We have already been drinking a few hours before so we decided to eat first before continuing our drinking session.
Along the way...I saw an Angel.
Her face is a refreshing sight...its as if you could almost feel the need to touch it with your hands and stare at it for milleniums.
He hair is as black as the night...straight and shiny as the sea under a moonlight.
Her smile melts every cold-stoned heart there is...one which makes you sigh and wish she was yours...
She was a beauty to marvel...to behold...to dream.
According to the Omnibus Code of the Philippines (char!), I have this right:
Article 69. Filipino turned Filipina: "Any natural born Filipino who has turned into a Filipina is entitled to having a crush even though he/she has already Boyfriend for the primary reason that he has eyes to appreciate beauty, an imagination to play with and lips to taste..."
O di ba, Omnibus Cod na nagsabi na kahit may Pangga ako eh pwede pa rin akong may crushie (naks parng high school student lang ang tili ko). So para naman hindi magalit ang gumawa ng Omnibus Code ng mga kabadinganna yan,
Eto yung mga crushies ko kahit ayaw na ayaw ko to (haha. bakla na nga sinungaling pa)
Crushie #1: Mr. Seaman
Description: Siya ay nag-aaral para maging seaman. Innocent looking, habulin ng mga chicks at bading at ng mga matrona na rin. May matikas na pangangatawan. Sumali na siya sa isang patimpalak ng mga matipunong lalake sa school nila at (yeah you've guessed it right) nanalo siya! Kuya ang tawag niya sa akin noon pero ngayon....di na, "pare" na kami. O ha..o ha...o ha... may development! hahaha
Best Asset: Mata. Ang ganda ng mata. Maamo at ma iinlove ka talaga. Tsaka super duper mabait to. Kumpletos ricados ika nga!
Gaydar: Hmmmmm. very very slight to negligible.
Trivia: Nung minsang nag inuman kami sa isang bar na may stand up comedian, there came a moment na nag aapear kami sa kakatawa at sabay holding hands for like 3 minutes tapos bitaw na naman ulit. Dahil magkatabi din kami, he always put his left hand on my thighs (sometimes to the point of making me hard). Shit.
Pahabol na trivia: Naging ka flirt (MU) ko ang nobya ni Mr. Seaman noon. I guess we have the same taste in women at sa nobya niya naman, I guess we have the same taste in men. bwahaha. Crushie #2: Isaac Newton
Description: He is the silent and reserved type. Hindi pala-kibo, di pala-ngiti pero nung nakuhi ko ang kiliti...grabe ang kulit. He is an epitome of a near perfect person (char). He looks good (and i mean good), he speaks very well (english na may european accent) and he is very smart (kaya nga isaac newton, kayo nalang ang maghanap sa connection kasi sobrang give away na). People find him a snob but he is really that shy and finds it very hard to be friendly the first time kaya nung nakita ko ako agad ang gumawa ng mga "'da moves ko. Isa din pala siyang model.
Best Asset: I would say, like crushie #1, he is also a total package but his best asset would be his "Jao Mapa" look. He is soooooooooooo cute! Gaydar: Hmmmmm. Somebody told me that he is "bisexual" but I have yet to confirm (pag natikman ko na talaga. bwahahaha) but I would say that slight to moderate ang signal ng gaydar ko sa kanya. hahaha
Trivia: He lovessssss talking to me at night. O di ba! Sometimes pag wala si Pangga, siya kausap ko pero hindi naman masyadong matagal... siguro mga 1 - 2 hours lang (naks hindi raw mahaba). hahahaha. Pahabol na trivia: Kagabi nag-usap kami at nung niloko ko siya na marami siyang kausap kaya mag ba babye na ako, eto sinagot nya "ulol, pangalan mo lang kaya naisipko pag wala akong makausap.". O ako na ang may korona!. hahaha.
So kung kayo nasa kalagayan ko, di ba mag stru-struggle din kayo? (sabay pout ng lips) Good sunday morning crushies. (Major major kalandian ko na talaga. hehehe)
P.S. Bday pala ni crushie #1 ngayon at may audition naman si crushie #2 ngayon. hehehe
"Ano ba? Kanina ka pa ah! Wala ka bang respeto sa sarili mo at kahit sino at ano na lang! Di ka pa ba nagsasawa at nakukuntento sa isa??? Di ka ba naawa sa sarili mo? Bigyan mo naman ng kahit na puwang yang sarili mo para magpahinga, hindi yang kahit anong oras mo gusto! Tang ina mo! kahit kelan talaga di ka na magbabago. Nagmana ka sa pinagmanahan mo! Shit Ka!"
9:46 na sa relos ko at Sabado pa naman pero andito pa rin ako sa bahay, nag-iisa, nalulungkot at walang makakama este makasama pala (nadulas lang pre, kaw talaga). Simula kasi kagabi may napag usapan na kami ni Pangga na bawal gawin habang hindi pa kami makakapag usap dahil nga kinumpiska ng pulisya este Tito niya ang kanyang cellphone. (hay naku bilhan ko sana ng bago pero ayaw naman. bwahaha. joke lang)
So eto ako kahit di na mabilang ang nag aayang uminom, nag prapraktis mag mongha, malay mo may maging monasteryo ang mga bakla eh di mag aaply agad ako. hhehe. Eto pa ang ilan sa mga bawal kong gawin:
1. Bawal mag chat! (ayaw nya talaga to kasi sure siyang may makikilala ako dito. hahaha. dito kaya kami nagkakilala.) 2. Bawal lumabas beyond 9:30 pm. (pero kung ako ba papasok sa ibang bahay, counted yun? di naman sa labas yun ah. nyahaha) 3. Bawal makipaglandian sa mga girls...at boys pala (actually una niyang sinabi ang girls lang. natuwa naman ako baka hindi kasali ang boys, pero after 15.65 seconds dinagdag na rin ang boys. haizzzzzzzzz. ahhahaha)
4. Bawal maglasing (sinong lashhhheng? di nama ako lasheeeng ah! umiinom lang akoh pero di ako lasheenggero. bwahahaha) 5. Bawal puyatin sarili sa internet. (eh paano pag di ako mapuyat so ok lang yun? subjective kaya ang pagiging "puyat". hahahaha. palusot pa)
Siguro iniisip nyo na nababagot ako at nasasakal ako sa mga bawal na to...
Mali.
Kahit maraming bawal hindi ko iniintindi lalo na at ginagawa ko to dahil sa MAHAL ko.
Wohoooooo! Mabuhay ang mga in LOVE (at Tanga!). bwahaha.
"Ma mimiss kita. Natatakot talaga ako." was all he can say.
I agree. In the next few weeks, things will be difficult for Pangga and me. Just yesterday his Uncle confiscated his cellphone as a punishment for making a mistake. Considering the distance between us, he's in Iloilo while I am in Leyte, I would say that his cellphone is the only thing that is keeping the communication and US together.
In the one month that we have been together, the constant communication is the biggest factor in our relationship. I usually call at least twice a day, lunchtime and before bedtime, totaling to an average of 4 hours of talking with each other a day. I made sure that I really have time for him by making him a part of my daily routine.
Last night he seemed so worried when we were talking. Without his cellphone there will be so many questions and so many possibilities. I called up last night because he was able to borrow the cellphone of his Uncle's girlfriend.
Pangga: Tsk, kinakabahan talaga ako Pangga.
Me: Bakit naman?
Pangga: Ewan ko. Di ko alam kung saan pupunta tong sitwasyong to. Di ko kakayanin pag di tayo nag communicate (habah na naman ng hair ko)
Me: Pangga, ganito na lang. Have faith and trust in me that I will not do anything stupid here. While hindi pa normal sitwasyon natin, kailangan nating labanan to. Kakayanin natin to.
Pangga: Ewan ko pangga, Mahirap talaga. It's gonna be a difficult time for us.
I know that it was True. Even though I was acting like everything is gonna be ok, deep inside I know that it will be very hard and difficult for us.
It would be a very difficult time...
...it will be difficult for HIM ( to miss me a lot)
And difficult for ME (to avoid temptations) Bwahaha.
